Dan “Life Coach” ©


Trust me. Ahh go on…..

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As one of the world’s foremost unqualified, uninsured and unrecommended Life Coaches,  I promise un-restrained advice, though I have absolutely no qualifications, no experience and no positive feedback about previous advice. I have offended a couple of people too. And some say the answers are completely unrelated to the problems posed. I say they are looking for the wrong answers.

But don’t let that put you off.

Put your problems in the comment box. If you want to comment and are on a mobile device (iPad/iPhone or other device that you still claim is as good as an iPad/iPhone but clearly isn’t), then the comment box is in the top right. And to the person that told me that I said top left, you are the knucklehead, not me.

Alternatively, if you prefer,  you could Email danlifecoach@gmail.com.

Should you have a problem that you don’t feel that a phoney internet life coach can help with, I know some people that may be able to help. The Samaritans are a good choice. As are the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Vote for Dan Life Coach to win a European Podcast Award! Gwaaan!

 

You can also download the brand new Dan Life Coach Podcast here:-

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67 thoughts on “Dan “Life Coach” ©

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  5. Dear Dan the Life Coach,
    I have recently met a wonderful man but, as I’ve got to know him, I’ve discovered he has an almost OCD obsession with cleaning. As you can imagine in a new relationship, I just wanna get down n dirty, but I don’t find him very appealing when he’s in his pinny and marigolds. Any advice?

    Sally

    • Hello Sally.

      While I completely sympathise with your issue in this matter, I think you are focussing on the problem from the wrong angle. The question that you should be asking, perhaps, is this; Why is your house so filthy that he feels that he has to clean it upon his arrival. No wonder he is too knackered for romance.

      The solution is clear. Stop being lazy and clean up a bit. Oh, and you might want to do something about the odour too. Just a thought.

      You are welcome.

      Dan Life Coach.

  6. Dear Dan

    I have recently stumbled upon reason to believe, that for my whole life I have been celebrating my date of birth on the wrong day. Although my birth register states the original date, and older family members and lifelong friends all agree this date is the one I was born on, I was assured on facebook by a friend recently that this original date was actually wrong. And that my birthday was in fact the day after, which co-incidentally was the day “Mr FB” finally made reference to my birthday.

    I am now at a quandry as I no longer know what to believe.

    Please advise.
    JT aged 42/43

    • Dear JT.

      This is almost exactly the kind of hard hitting issue that I created the Dan Life Coach service for. Please try not to age significantly in the near future to allow me the opportunity to round up my unruly fleet of experts to dispense incredible advice to you in the next episode of Dan Life Coach.

      You should err on the side of caution in the meantime. If challenged about your age, always respond to authority by claiming that you have been reborn many times and cannot put a human figure on the length, and width, of your existence.

      I expect you are excited about the advice that is pending. I know I am.

      Dan.

      • Dear Dan

        Any timeframe on the “next episode”?

        Im trying not to age significantly as per your initial tranche of advice, however it is proving difficult, notwithstanding the fact I am still unsure which age I am to “not age significantly” from which makes the whole process even more confusing.

        “Tempus Fugit”

        JT

  7. Dear Danno
    I have a terrible problem with negative people. You know-not the ones who have real problems to contend with, but those who just whine habitually and see bad or negativity in.most people or situations! I don’t know if it’s just me, but I get an overwhelming desire to put my hand down their throat and pull them inside out. Is this normal? PS I’m not moaning 🙂

    Molly

  8. Dear Dan,

    Im currently on my gap year and im working for a haulage company in a large city, ive been totally removed from my peers due to long hours and clashing schedules, thus leaving me feeling very isolated, i was wondering what you could reccommend to help me improve my spirits, as i found it quite difficult to go from a socially active person to, a relative hermit.

    Many thanks
    Ryzo

  9. Your chocolate cake, whilst extremely yummy, has left me in craigavon area hospital having my stomach pumped. Could the two incidents, perhaps, be related.

    I await ur reply but don’t leave it too long as I could be dead.

    • This could be my first commission as an “End Of Life Coach”.

      I suspect the stomach pumping may be related to the gallons of cheaply distilled and very illegal vodka you have been consuming at your desk, and not as a result of munching a finely made orange chocolate masterpiece made by me.

      Get well soon!

      Dan

    • Thank you Dom.

      I genuinely don’t know what to do with that info…. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I can honestly tell you that I don’t think I have ever heard Brian Cox laugh. And someone on Twitter asked if you did, indeed, mean Professor Brian Cox or the actor Brian Cox.

      As long as it isn’t Sara Cox, I am happy.

  10. Dear Dan:

    Why is there such an invention as “auto correct” when it doesn’t correct grammar? For instance, when I typed wanGer (I think) but it automatically switched it to wanker, as in well you get the point. Or maybe I did type wanker instead of the grammatically correct word “wanGer” in any case, should I go back to grammar school? (Obvious answer to that question) What do you think? Should the beloved Auto Correct feature on every smart phone be included grammar correction? Or does it already?

    I am slightly embarassed. Should I be?

    Thanks,

    Jake
    (That guy who doesn’t understand UK slang)

    (…yes I know, my grammar on a computer isn’t the greatest either)

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  12. Dear Mr Life Coach,

    I’ve been in hospital for 2 months now, during this time away from my babies, I have nearly had heart failure (really) and spent time in CCU, then I had an operation that sliced me up the middle, destroying my bikini wearing future, and warranting a stay in ITU. I’m now one week and a bit post op and I’m back out in the ‘normal’ ward, which is all good. My issue is this, they won’t let me home yet, and I’m in a room of geriatric incontinent, drooling freaks. Those who are mobile (when it suits ie to go downstairs for a fag) often approach my bed and attempt to steal my teabags, high currency in a hospital that uses grass cuttings for it’s ‘tea’, and one of them even pee’d at my bedside. They shout for various relatives/pets and long dead parents all night, they demand commodes (not for wee) the moment food (loose interpretation) is served, leave lights on all night, bang whatever they can find against their bedsides, and generally stink of shit/stale wee. I HATE them all. I’ve had no sleep for weeks and am really tempted to smother them all with a pillow the next time they disturb my kip. Please help me. Even the continuous morphine doesn’t ease my homicidal thoughts, and I really dont want to leave hospital to serve time for Madge. You need to figure a way to convince docs to send me home, or tell me what to do with the ‘Waiting for God’ squad, that won’t land me in jail. Okay? Yeah? Cheeeeears. *disclaimer – I am on monster doses of mind altering meds, I don’t know my name and I’m not sure I’ve even posted this. My unicorn told me oranges taste of bacon, he lied. Rainbows and flying fish. Nice. 🙂 ps – see disclaimer in event of examples of poor spelling/ grammar.

    • Dear Keeley.

      First thing is first. I went to school with a girl called Keely, not Keeley. You appear to have spelt your name incorrectly. Please ensure this is corrected for your next communication.

      You do seem to have been through the mill a little of late. I hope that you are recovering from your illness and are making a full and rapid return to health. Although I have no qualifications in medicinal practice, my price list does include consultations for any ailment. I do not have any qualifications as a life coach, so it seems reasonable that I offer surgical and medical services, after all, look how valuable my life coaching is to those in need. So if you require any further treatment, just let me know. You will need to bring your own gown though.

      I see that you are worried by the appearance of scarring after some considerable surgery. While I understand that you may have concerns about the aesthetic contribution that invasive surgery may leave on your body, I urge you to also think about the fact that scars can be very cool. If you still feel that the scar is extremely unwelcome, might I suggest that you have a large and unsightly tattoo located a few centimetres away from the scar and people will be drawn to this, rather than the scar itself. May I suggest a design involving Kenneth Brannagh caressing half eaten Mars Bar while Davina McCall is chained to a Ford Cortina in the background.

      To summarise your other predicament, I think it can be vaguely described as having to spend long periods of time with unsavoury, unpleasant (both in nature and aroma) and often irrational people. Despite your own situation, you must keep in mind that these people are also very ill. Every action that you take must bear in mind that these patients are under the influence of heavy sedatives and cannot always be responsible for their actions and motions. It is for this reason that care must be taken when performing any act of retribution, to ensure that you catch them when they are at there most weak or when the drugs can be blamed for their accounts in the event of inter patient snitching. My advice would be to start with the weakest member of the ward before tackling the stronger or more mobile patients.

      By simply placing a few coins under the legs of one side of their bed, the patient will spend hours constantly rolling slowly to one side of the bed and ultimately falling to the floor, while to the nursing staff, the bed will appear untampered with. Should this prove insufficient, my next piece of advice would be to obtain a collection of dead flowers. Every time your nemeses fall asleep for an afternoon nap, swap the flowers that “nephew Darren” delivered that morning with the decaying blooms. This will, over time, confuse the smelly and irritating patients into thinking that they are sleeping for days on end, instead of a mere hour or so. This will lead them to call nursing staff “liars!” when they try to inform the patient” of the brevity of their sleeping patterns and escalate into a state where they believe that the staff are “all conspiring to fool me! ALL OF THEM!” Eventually, their “madness” will see them moved to an isolation room for the safety of the other patients.

      Hopefully, if you follow my advice, you should be able to rest and recuperate in peace. If not, then at least your time will pass more swiftly as you watch patients falling out of bed and shouting at nurses all day long. This is how You’ve Been Framed and Holby City both got started.

      I, and my secretary Brian, wish you a speedy recovery.

      Dan Life Coach.

  13. Dear Dan,

    it could be said that I am of below average height. However, I have a friend that is freakishly tall. On the occasions when we are standing next to each other it looks, quite frankly, ridiculous for both of us. Which of us has the problem? Should I make an attempt to make myself taller – either surgically or otherwise or is it my friend that should me making efforts to reduce his statistically outlying height?

    Thanking you in advance.

    • Dear Wayne.

      The experts in this field are often quoted as say “size doesn’t matter” or “good things come in small packages”. These are regularly categorised as mechanisms with which a counsellor or support worker seeks to reassure the troubled person and often will provide examples to illustrate the scenarios where a smaller stature person prevails over a more substantial specimen. The thinking behind this is that height is no measure of a person’s worth and that for every deficit afforded to a shorter person, there are almost infinite benefits.

      This is, of course, bollocks. Being tall is a matter of Darwinian genetic superiority. It is only as the human race has become soft that those of greater height have found a reduced benefit from their height. You should definitely utilise orthopaedic shoes to increase you height, but you must ask yourself, “Who are you really fooling?” Thick soled shoes are little more than a jelly filled bra for the shorter man. Once you undress, your shortcomings are there for all to behold. Well, if they stoop a little.

      Another workable solution is for you to move to a land where the average height is more reflective of your own measurement. I recently saw Karl Pilkington visit such a place on “An Idiot Abroad 2”. You may find that you fit right in there. Alternatively, you should surround yourself by older people who shrink a little with advancing years, or who find the need to sit down a lot.

      Under no circumstances should you feel any disquiet about not being able to compete with your taller friends. Everything in life has its place. Yours is probably under the stairs.

      Thank you for taking the time to contact me Wayne. Your issues are of great importance and I will always endeavour to assist you where I can. However, I will not be available for the rest of the week as I am shopping for a new surgery door. I want one with the letter box a foot higher than the current one. No reason. And please do not stand on my porch statue of Elvis in future to post any letters. Even through the frosted glass I could tell it was you. You have the biggest jean turn ups in my locale and that makes you easy to identify.

      Dan Life Coach.

    • Dear Nick.

      Thank you for clarifying this. I suspect that all of the people who read Nickola’s issue immediately thought that it was you. Even though your name is not Nickola.

      I once saw a mother hunting through the fridge for a Wispa chocolate bar, only to discover it was missing. She extended her search to the living room, where she discovered her 7 year old boy, his face covered in melted Wispa bar. A Wispa bar that looked decidedly like the one that was missing from the fridge. The ONLY Wispa bar in the house. Without prompting, the 7 year old boy announced, in a frantic voice, “I didn’t eat it, I didn’t eat the Wispa bar.”

      That 7 year old boy was me. I did eat the Wispa bar. Even though my mother knew I had eaten it, it was my protestation that confirmed the fact. I was punished, not for the theft, but for the dishonesty in denying the theft.

      Not so much “one can protest too much” but “one can protest too soon”.

      So, thank you Nick, for highlighting your innocence.

      Dan Life Coach.

      I did, of course, have the last laugh over my mother. I did just enough to get into university so that my education cost her a fortune. The Wispa bar cost approx 15p in those days. My schooling…….. Thousands. Who is the fool here?

  14. Dan,
    I have recently found a great deal of constraint in working with friends. We have a great system set up, it’s just for the past wee while, I have seen that they are not pulling their weight.
    I do not like confrontation, so should I just stay quiet, or say something?

    • Hello Nickola.

      Thank you for taking the time to seek excellent advice from me.

      Working with friends is a double edged sword. On one hand you can enjoy the freedom to speak more freely about issues and utilise the understanding that comes from years of close relationships to build a bond of trust that many colleagues will never have the pleasure of experiencing.

      On the other hand, however, they can be unbelievably annoying and take the piss.

      Approach this situation with caution. You need to balance a requirement for productivity against a need to maintain friendship. If the friendship is strong, then I suggest that you stop complaining and pull your own finger out. They are your mates, you should be prepared to do their share of the work, lazy. If they don’t want to do it, then your duty, as the motivated member of the team, is to let them enjoy their extended free time and shoulder the productivity burden on their behalf. This may mean that you suffer from sleep deprivation, but it is the least that you can do considering that they bought you a pint for your birthday after borrowing the money off you in the first place, as they had “forgotten” their wallet again. Unless you work with threshing machinery. I cannot support operation of such items while suffering sleep deprivation.

      However, if the needs of the business require more attention than the friendship, there is only one path. You must continue to work hard to curry favour with the boss. Climb the ladder and ignore the slings and arrows from your peers. Become invaluable to the company until you are in the position to either own the company and sack your lazy arsed mates, or at least hold a lofty position in HR which will enable you to sack your lazy arsed mates. The fall out from this position is that they will probably not be your mates for very long. But that just shows the kind of people that they are, doesn’t it? Friends are there for you, through thick or thin. If the fact that you sacked them caused them to terminate the friendship, then you are better off without them. Especially if your increased salary means you can watch DVD’s of you and your mates childhood years on a massive 86″ plasma telly, while they watch Jeremy Kyle on a black and white portable before heading down to the job centre.

      Of course, many people write to me in confidence and often use a pseudonym to hide their identity. If you are one of my mates, that I work with, and are cunningly having a matey pep talk with me, then you have only one course of action. Buy me a beer. Or I will tell your Mum what you did to make your dog really limp.

      I hope that this advice helps you to resolve the difficulties that you currently face.

      Remember, the Dan Life Coach© surgery door is always open. Except on bank holidays. And duvet days.

      Dan Life Coach©

  15. dear dan

    i work in a small village school and, while i enjoy the work, there is one thing that really gets to me on a daily basis….. the caretaker.

    He’s rude, miserable and a grumpy git. Between monitoring the paper towel and toilet roll usage to shouting at me if i put crumbs on the floor…. i am finding it very difficult to cope! ive tried to approach him on several occasions but he just tells me to “get squashed” and that i’m “not right in t ‘ead”. Recently i overheard him telling a work colleague that i have a weekend job in a garden centre, sitting on a mushroom with a fishing rod in my hand. i was so upset as my mother always told me small was cute!

    any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated

    Jacqui 🙂

    • Dear Jacqui.

      I am sorry to hear about your troubles with this person at work. I am sure that, if you follow my Life Coaching advice, you should be able to work without fear of turbulence from this caretaker.

      Firstly, I feel that you have misinterpreted his title. A common misconception is that a school caretaker is “taking care” of the premises. This is not so. The official interpretation is that the residents or inhabitants of the premises are to care for their own environment. This is all part of David Cameron’s “Big Society”. The role of the caretaker is to remove the signs and results of this care to allow for more opportunities for the residents to display their care for the environment. If you were to run out of chances to show how much you care, you might begin to take the beauty of your location for granted. Therefore, the caretaker’s primary responsibility is to LESSEN the beauty of the environment so that you can appreciate it more. He TAKES the CARE that you have invested, disposes of it in a skip so that your next example of care can be appreciated. Got it? Good.

      Secondly, I might suggest that this caretaker is not being rude, miserable or grumpy, but that he is being diligent. Spotting the signs of over-care is a troublesome task and requires immense attention to detail. This is something that a less qualified member of staff, say a teacher or secretary, may not be able to understand. There is no shame in this. A caretaker is often a king amongst men, but may also be misinterpreted by the masses over which he rules. Comments made of “get squashed” and “you’re not right in t’ead” are examples of advanced intellectual linguistic manipulation. To the untrained ear, it might seem as though the speaker is being offensive or using colloquial Yorkshire phrases. Once again, you need to understand that Yorkshire is an advanced form of communication and demonstrates language abilities far in excess of the general public.

      Two last points. Why are you dropping crumbs? You are not a child. Have you considered taking non crumbly food to work? Like pureé? Or eating outside?

      If you feel that you cannot consider working in this environment any longer, despite the excellent advice I have issued, have you considered looking for work in the domestic agriculture sector? I understand that B&Q have a range of nice water features that involve fungus based furniture and amusing angling peripherals. Just a thought.

      I am sure that, with my advice, you will have a long and harmonious working relationship with this caretaker.

      You are welcome.

      Dan Life Coach.

    • Hello Jessica.

      It is always a bad idea to get your undercarriage mounted by anyone other than a trained professional. As for rockets, might I suggest that you instead opt for those spiky things the bad dudes in Grease used to tear the side of poor Danny’s car. That way you can use them in calm times to perform neutering for hard up pet users?

      Just a thought.

  16. Dear Dan,

    I’ve noticed that I accumulate boring people on Twitter or spammy nuisances. What am I doing wrong? Where are all the people with exciting lives?

    BB

    • Dear Ms Bubble.

      I took some time to consider your question deeply. I was going to suggest an elaborate filter system whereby you can monitor and selectively address each follower, therefore negating the instances of boring or nuisance contact with such people. This would be effected using some elaborate coding and stringent qualification processes to detect the frequency and salience of every missive.

      However, as this is the 211th message that you have sent to me, and that the majority of your communications has been bone-crunchingly banal, I am blocking you and cutting the broadband wires to your house.

      I hope this helps.
      x

      Another problem solved.

      Dan Life Coach.

  17. Dear life coach dan
    I am now starting to have the hots for hugh grant. What can I do to stop this lunacy?

    Ps all teachers r hawt (not just geog ones)

    • I can induce you into a suggestive state whereby, every time you see Hugh Grant in any way, his image is psychologically replaced by Huge Russell Grant licking his own nipples and wearing your fathers underwear.

      If this increases your ardour, I can arrange to have your electricity cut off.

  18. Dear Dan

    I consider myself a fairly attractive young lady but am still single, how is this possible? I’ve a fair amount of interest but still no cigar as they say…can you help?

    • The problem here, Litte Miss Ponder, is that you should spend less time considering yourself. Many a good person goes fallow and to waste for spending their time self considering. In many states in America and much of central China, anyone self considering can be legally hit with sticks.

      The other issue that needs further therapy is why you want to be in a relationship with a cigar.

      Please book with my secretary, Brian.

  19. He knows all his capital cities. He’s not just any old tweed jacketed geography teacher – he’s a very tall, jungle tackling, pile of whatjamacallit and I think he knows I’m lusting after him.

    PS I like his shoes

    • Does he use a gym?

      If you can locate where he goes for his workouts, you should do. Then wait until the gym is empty, or as near as you can, and then quietly enter the gym unnoticed. Once in side you should make your way to the mens changing rooms and turn out all of the lights, after locating where our macho, muscled and finely toned cartographic adonis keeps his belongings. Once in position you can then safely steal his shoes and save all of the nonsense about trying to go on a date with him.

      • Oh bum! Can’t you just ask him out for me? Is it true what they say about mens’ shoe sizes. If so, he won’t stand a chance. They’re huuuggge!

      • I could ask him out for you. But then he will either turn you down for behaving like a 13 year old girl, or turn you down because he has become infatuated with me. This is a very real possibility.

        As for his shoes….. They do say that mens shoes are often an extension of their manhood. This explains why clowns are popular with ladies, despite being hideous in every other aspect. It also means that wily men have taken this information and turned it to their advantage. Many unscrupulous men have taken to wearing shoes that are 5 sizes too big to hide the fact that they have a small penis. Many clowns have also jumped on the “large shoe/small penis” bandwagon. In recent years, it has become more and more difficult to find a clown with a sexually satisfied wife. This issue is a the predominant factor in many clown vs human woman divorce cases.

        Ask yourself…..out of all of the clown wives that you know, how many are genuinely smiling and how many simply hold the wistful far away look of someone who feels cheated and short changed.

        I think that this answers your question fully.

  20. I really fancy the geography teacher I work with and would def like to put him on my map. Please help (desperate)

    • Hello Penelope.

      No one really fancies any geography teacher. This is a fact. Please do not fill up the waiting room of my surgery with these trivial pranks.

      Now, if it was the Miss Chance, the English teacher, or Miss Shaw from history, I can sympathise.

      Should there be an outside chance of you REALLY fancying the geography teacher, just make sure that if you do put him on your map, that the map is laminated. I had an experience in college where Uganda forever sported an unfortunate stain.

      Dan Life Coach.

  21. Dear Daniel (I like formality)

    I am going on hholiday with my whole family tomorrow. How can I sneak men into the villa undetected?

    Slutty from Dublin

    • Dear Linda. Ensure, beforehand, that you begin an internet romance with a member of the villa cleaning staff. Alternatively, begin an affair with your sisters husband and then he will always be hidden in plain sight.

      If both of these fail, try picking a man who blends seamlessly into cheap Spanish curtain patterns.

      Finally, ensure that your villa’s “man detector” is unplugged.

      Word of advice (free trial). When signing off as Slutty from Dublin, ensure you log out of your account or people will know your real name is Linda.

      Dan.

    • Try looking in all of the places that an alcoholic in denial might hide a “stash”. I find the toilet cistern often bears fruit in these circumstances.

  22. Dear dan
    Im going on a blind date on sat. … Advice please

    ps. He ain’t a bad boy. Seems nice so totally outta my comfort zone

  23. I hope the lack of problems being sent in here is due to the fact that everyone is problemless, and not due to the fact that I am not a real life coach.

    • Dear Paula.
      You are not alone. The critical response to Bad Boys 2 was predominantly negative, although both attracted criticisms for simply following the formulaic buddy cop genre.

      Dan

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